The Cids United
by Star D
Summary: OMG NEW CHAPTER! Ever wonder what would happen if the Cids from VII, VIII, IX, and X got together? You're gonna wish you didn't. This can and will make you stupider if read.
1. The Begining

**Disclaimer : I do not own Final Fantasy, although... someday I shall! (yeah, right)**

** The Cids United**

"This plan should work out perfectly..." A malevolent voice cackled. "Not even _he_ can stop us now... Mwhahahahaa!!!"

Just as the unknown person finished laughing maniacally, a deep, dark voice bellowed through the room. "Are you just about finished?! Remember, we have plans!"

**In the White House...**

Out of nowhere, four men popped out of a warp-hole to find themselves in a HUGE hallway. Finally one of them spoke up, "where the $#%& are we?!" He wore rugged clothes and had greasy blonde hair that was kept out of his face by a pair of old worn-out goggles. Before any of the other men could answer, a man who had an uncanny resemblence to a monkey came down the hallway towards them.

"Glad to know yer here. I am George Dublya Bush, but you can just me Dublya," he said in an Texan accent. Two men stood at his side and were dressed in black suits with sunglasses.

Another of the men who popped out of the warp-hole spoke. "I would ask why we are here but I can't get up because I'm too damn fat," he said as he kept trying to shirft to one side to get on one of his sides to get up.

"You are in the White House. This is our 'hide-out'." Dublya said proudly.

"Uh... Sir?" One of men in black suits spoke up. "Everyone in America and probably the world know of this place, it's not exactally a hide-out."

As soon as that left the man's mouth, Dublya turned around angry. "Destory a man's right to dream, huh?!" Dublya then burst into tears.

"Can we please know why we're here?" This time the man didn't have any hair. "I would like to know also what happened to Spira." He stated rubbing his bald scalp.

"Ah yes, you are here to help me take down the evilest thing to plague our fair world..." Dublya said quietly.

"Sephiroth?" The one said lighting a cigarette.

"Cellulite?" The fattest one spoke up.

"That cross-dresser, Kuja?" The ooglop said jumping up and down.

"Sin?" The bald one said.

"No, it's far more worse than that... her name is... Hilary Duff." Dublya said before screaming after saying her name. "We're sending you right now to her location." They all gave him a weird look before they fell through a gap door in the floor.

Dublya then laughed. "Gets'em every time. It got those guys from 'Whose line is is Anyway' also."

**Somewhere in Iraq... **

"It puts de lotion on it's skin!!" A man in said into a deep, dark hole. "It does as it's told!!"

"Fine, you broken record, look, I'm putting it on and rubbing it in. If you don't mind, can I go back to Hogwarts?" Harry Potter said looking up at the man.

"No!" He said turning away from the hole. He then noticed another man there. "Ah, Darth Vader, it's nice to see you."

"Nice to see you, Arnold Schwarzenegger. We have them now. Mwhahhahahaahha!" Vader said coughing. "Duff wants us at a meeting soon. Hurry up and move it." Vader than turned on his heel and walked out of the room.

"You are lucky dis time Harry Potter, but soon you luck vill run out, but for the moment, I'll be back."

**In the forests on the road to the hidden hide-out of Hilary Duff... **

"Damn, I need cigarrettes..." Cid VII said faintly.

"I need lard..." Cid VIII said holding his 3 chins up.

"I need to find an antidote for this curse..." Cid IX said hopping behide most of them

"I need my....CHEESE ITS!!!" Cid X said crying.

These are the heros that will save us from Hilary Duff? Damn, our country is running low on helpful resources...

They finally snuck into the the 'hideout' of Hilary of Duff. It wasn't that hard to find either. There were signs along the whole road they were traveling giving them directions.

"This wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be..." Cid IX said hopping gleefully. "We'll soon be able to get back to our own worlds soon. But I must say, it was a pleasure to meet you all!" he then noticed the other Cids just "hmed" at his comment, meaning they didn't really care.

"Once this is over, I'm going to stop smoking while I drink. This is one #$&%ed up dream," Cid VII said taking out his third cigarette today.

**In the depths of darkness in Hilary Duff's Hide-out...**

"Dublya sent the CIDS?!" A girl wearing black eyeliner yelled as her shrill voice echoed throughout the facility. She looked like she was trying to be goth, but somethings were a little off. "I can't believe this! First it was those empty Coca-Cola bottles, then those dudes from 'Whose line is it anyway?' and then THIS?!?! It's ridiculous!"

"Ve are sorry, Miss Duff, but ve didn't expect him to send THEM."

"Well, we'll have to wait for them to come to us. Cyhahahahahahaha!" Duff said as she began to sing 'Come Clean' and waited for her new nemisies to come.

Author's Notes: "I know, I know. Not that many FF characters in this chapter, but I promise more will appear in the following, along with guest appearances by other real-life people!! Always R&R!!!"


	2. Smarter than they look?

**Disclaimer : I do not own Final Fantasy, although... someday I shall! (yeah, right)**

**The Cids United**

**Still looking for the room Hilary Duff is in...**

"So... who are we looking for again?" Cid VIII said as he fell flat on his ass and left a dent in the ground.

"I think their name was Hilton Fluff. Damn, what a prissy last name," Cid VII as he took a puff of his cigarette. "Ah...that's the stuff..." he said blowing the smoke back out of his lungs.

"You're sure that's his name? I thought it was Hitler Puffum," Cid IX said hopping in one place for a moment, thinking, "ah well! It doesn't matter anyway. Hilton Fluff, just you wait, we're coming to kick your butt in to next tuesday."

"Damn strait we are! His ass is grass, and I'm the lawn-mower!! WOO HOO!" Cid VII said as she shook his spear in the air.

"Damn Yuna and her preppy-ness. She made me go on a diet from my Cheese-Its!!" Cid said as he emitted a soft sob. "All I wanted was the cheesy goodness... but her and her damn "Spira Diet" just had to come along... at least I still have my Cheetos!!" he then started munching on them.

After they had walked through the maze of Hilton Fluff's hide-out for a bit, they noticed someone standing in their way. He wore all this make-up and had red drawn-on eyebrows.

"And just who the hell are you?" Cid VIII said as he struggled to apply himself from the crater he had made when siting down.

"Hey! I know you! Aren't you Ronald McDonald?" Cid IX asked happily.

"I... am Lord Kefka, but you can call me Lord Kefka," he replied, not particularly happy they had associated him with a clown. "You will respect my authority!"

"Are you sure you're just not his evil twin brother or something?" Cid IX asked curiously.

"For the last time-- I am Lord Kefka, and you will respect my authority!!!!" Kefka yelled as he took off one of his high-heeled shoes and tried to stab Cid IX with the point of it. "Bwahahahaha!!!" Even though Cid IX jumped back before the blow hit, 'Lord' Kefka was laughing like a maniac.

"Umm... Lady Kefka, can you tell us where Hilton Fluff is and possibly where a bathroom is also, I have to go 'shake hands with the mayor', because I already have some nasty gases leaking outta my butt already," Cid VIII said as everyone else stared at him and stepped back.

"I AM NOT LADY KEFKA!!! I AM LORD KEFKA!!! I can be into high-heels and make-up if I want. So what?" Kefka said as he practically blew up. "Oh, and the bathroom is up ahead on the right, and Hilton's is the same on the left." he said with a stupid goofy smile.

**Back in the room of Hilary Duff...**

"They should be here soon. I hope Kefka won't mess up again!" Hilary said as she tried to apply her eyeliner again.

"Ya, like ze time he invited Seymour and Bill Clinton to a Tea Party. Zat vas ze vorst pure havoc I have ever seen!" Arnold said as he hugged his machine gun close to his chest.

"Yes, but the power of the Darkside took him over. He shall not make any mistakes this time!" Darth Vader said before hacking up a cough again.

Hilary Duff just continued to put her make-up on. "I will now go and show them what a Duff can really do!! Cyahahahahahaha!!!" she laughed maniacally right as she got out the door. When she got out, she noticed 3 of the Cids leaning against the wall, like they were waiting.

"Are you Hilton Fluff? Because were kinda looking for him." Cid X said as he tried not to laugh because her make-up was messed up.

"Nope. I haven't seen him----Wait! Are you making fun of my name?!" Hilary replied viciously. Her face was bright red from anger of being called a 'him'.

"Oh! We honestly didn't know that you were a girl Hilton, we just assumed because I think Hilton is a male name." Cid IX said trying to calm her down.

"My name is Hilary! NOT HILTON!!" she yelled back at them.

"Well, we're waiting for someone named Hilton, not Hilary." Cid X said leaning back against the wall.

Hilary just smacked her hand against her forehead. 'And I thought the Knights of Pluto were a joke.' Hilary thought as she shook her head. 'They are so dense.'

Before anyone else could make another comment, Cid VIII came out of the bathroom waving his hand in front of his nose. "I think that place is going to need to be fumigated. But for right now, that wing of the hide-out is clo-sed."

"Ewwww! Gross, gross, GROSS!" Hilary said getting shivers. 'I knew it! They are smarter than they look. How could they have known I like to keep my bathrooms clean and fresh?' Hilary's mind raced to many things they would possibly do. 'Oh God!' Hilary's mind yelled as she thought of all the gross and purely evil things they could do. "All right! I give up! Just please... no more dirty stinky bathrooms..." she said as she let them take her back to Dublya Head-Quarters.

**At Dublya HQ...**

"Damn! That was fast! I have never seen such agility in completing a mission. I shall award you all triple-crossed-sapphire stars!!" Dublya said happily.

"Uh...Sir? Those don't exsist," One of the men in black suits said tapping his shoulder.

"Then I shall award you all with Purple Hearts!"

"You only get those if you're injured, Sir."

"What about a nuclear bomb?"

"They are being used at the moment---Sir, we have word that there is no longer a country of Arabia."

"Shit! That's bad aiming." Cid VII swore lighting another cigarette.

"Fine! Then the only thing we can give you is these coupons for a free Whopper at Burger King." Dublya said sadly.

"We'll take them!!" Cid VIII said grabbing them right from the president's hand. "Whoppers are full o' grease, and grease = fatness!!!"

"Okay. Before I send you all back to your own worlds, I'll let you look around this city for awhile." Dublya said shoving them out the door.

**Somewhere in the city of Washington D.C. ...**

The Cids had spent a few hours window shopping, looking for nothing in particular. Cid X then saw something that caught his eye. "Are those what I think they are...? YES!!! HALLELUJAH!!" he then ran into the store. And came back out 2 minutes later with Cheese-Its in his arms, and he was practically inhaling them. "THANK GOD!!!"

The other Cids just rolled their eyes and continued walking down the road, and tried to figure out why people were staring and others were trying to get their autographs. "&%$#ing rude $#$%$#$%$%%$#%$ people these days!!" Cid VII said inhaling the smoke from the cigarette in.

"I can't wait to get back to Edea... no wait. I don't want to go back. She feeds me vegatables!!!" Cid VIII wailed and cried like a baby.

Little did our heroes know, they would not be going home any time soon. More trials awaited them. And they would not be able to leave until they had passed them. Mwhahahaa!

**Meanwhile...**

"Is anybody there?" Harry Potter called up from the bottom of the giant hole. "Please, now I'm hungry. At least give me some of that lotion, I'll eat anything right about now..." Harry then dropped his head down in defeat.

A few minutes passed by and he tried to contact someone once more, "it gets the Harry Potter out of the hole!"

Also, little did Harry Potter know that his wand was in his robe pocket, but we'll leave him to find out for himself...Mwhahahaha!!!

Author's Note: "I will not be able to update for about 3 days, so I had to update this chapter before I leave. I hope you will all review, and always, flames are welcome. This is not the end! I have many more ideas. Also the Turks will make an appearce in the next few chapters, and their roles will be hilarious (I hope). I am sorry to make Hilary Duff go down without a fight, but she's not the main evil, the main evil character is going to be discovered in chapter 3 or 4, so keep a look-out!!" ------Star D


	3. Evil Unveiled

**Disclaimer : I do not own Final Fantasy, although... someday I shall! (yeah, right)**

**I know my story is the most pointless thing exsisting at the moment, but I have to get it out of my system. The idea for 'The Cids United' was not originally mine, but my friend, T.J.'s. Everything else I came up with, except all the characters in it, they're either real or from a game or movie.**

**The Cids United**

**Inside a small ship located in who knows where...**

"We're going to have to go back in to the Matrix. Something is wrong..." a female voice echoed through the ship.

"Yes, and now that I know I am The One, I can be more helpful!" the tall one with the long black hair said walking towards her.

"Yeah, we know you're The One, you've just been preaching about it for about... forever!!" the bald one said as he pushed his black tinted sunglasses further on.

"Don't worry, I should be able to send you all back into the Matrix in a few moments... remember, The Cids are going to need our help if they are going to even stand a chance against... _you-know-who_." the red-haired one whispered the last part, but everyone there heard it.

"'_You-know-who?'_ You mean Voldemort?" the female asked, brushing her blonde bangs from her eyes.

"No, not Voldemort. We cannot say his name, for if we do, something bad happens..." the red-head replied. "Finally, I got a good connection to the Matrix, hurry-up and I'll send you guys in."

"Good connection? This isn't an internet provider. Nevermind, let's just hurry. Before we're too late." the bald one stated before getting ready to be sent in.

**Back onto the streets of D.C. ...**

"Hm. It makes you wonder, how **did** Dublya get us here? It makes no sense!" Cid VII pondered. "I know the worlds we live in have no Laws of Physics, but whoa, how the hell did he do it?" he went to take out a cigarette, but he had none left. "WHAT?! C'mon guys. We need to find the first Mini-Mart we can, I need da ciggs."

"Um... if you don't mind me asking, how can you smoke so much? You inhale, like, a pack a day, we might as well start calling you Smoke'ems," Cid IX said hopping to Cid VII's side.

"Yeah, well, who asked you anyway?" Cid VII said as he glared at the ooglop next to him. "Just you wait, I know some pretty good exterminators."

Cid IX just gulped and shut his mouth. 'Wait till I get the antidote for this curse. I will become an old man, and you won't be able to hurt me because...well, because you must respect your elders. Ha, ha, ha!'

Our 'heroes' made their way to the Uni-Mart and stepped inside, hoping to find some cigarettes, so Cid VII would stop complaining for at least 2 minutes.

They came to the cashier, and Cid VII pushed his way to the front of the line.

"Was kann ich mache für Sie?" the cashier asked. He had a small patch of a mustache under his nose, and he had a heavy German accent.

"I just want some cigarettes, man. I don't wan't any trouble," Cid VII said, not knowing what the man said. "So, you're--" he then looked at the cashier's name-tag, "Adolf Hilter? Ah, catchy name. I like it."

Adolf put the 4 packs of cigarettes on the counter and scaned them. "Das ist $22.95."

Cid VII put twenty-three dollars down and headed for the door, but not before asking one of the other workers why someone who didn't speak the same language was working here.

"Ah, Hitler wasn't able to take over Europe or the world, so he settled for taking over this Uni-Mart," the other worker answered before going back to opening boxes.

"Okaaaaaaay..." Cid VII said backing away, so he could leave. "C'mon, losers, we have to get back to the White House."

They got out of the Uni-Mart and headed towards the direction of the White House. But they never reached it. About 5 minutes later, they were stopped by people in black suits, and they wore thick black-tinted glasses.

"Mr. Highwind..." one of them said stepping forward. "Will you please come with us, all of you?"

Before the Cids could make their decision, 3 other people came onto the scene. One with short blonde hair, another with long black hair, and the other was bald.

"Hey hey hey, what's going on?" Cid VIII asked thumping over to where the other Cids were standing.

"These men are know as 'Agents', they are bad people, we are here to help you guys. Also, I'm the Chosen One!" the black-haired one said proudly before going ahead of them towards one of the Agents. "It's been awhile, Agent Leonhart."

"Too long. But we don't have time to play games, we will be back!" the agent said before they all disappeared, leaving the Cids very confused.

"Who were they, and did they have anything to do with my Cheese-Its?" Cid X said giving the 3 strangers weird looks.

"We are hackers of the Matrix, and we try to stop those Agents anyway we can. My name is Rude, that blondie over there is Elena, and that dude, who's always bragging about being The One, is Tseng." the bald man stated looking at all the Cids carefully.

"Anyway, the Oracle told us about you men, and we're here to assist you in anyway possible," Elena said stepping foreward and bowing her head, as a sign of respect.

"Oracle? Matrix? Respect?! It's all too much!!!" Cid VIII said as he crumbled into a fetal posistion on the floor, sucking his thumb.

"Anyway, do you accept our offer?" Rude asked stepping over Cid VIII offering his hand to Cid VII as a sign of trust.

"What the hell? I've been through crazier stuff when I traveled with Cloud," Cid VII replied as he shook Rude's hand.

"Okay, everyone, hold eachother's hands," Tseng said and everyone followed his directions.

Rude the tapped a metallic item on his shirt before holding hands and then spoke, "Reno. Beam us up."

**On the ship known as: Nebuchadnezzar...**

"Whoa, this ship is junk compared to the Highwind!" Cid VII said laughing.

Rude just shrugged. "It is very hard to get decent ships here, much is limited."

"Yeah, we keep the Matrix safe from Agents that try to get out of it. It sometimes is a hard job!" Elena said taking a sip of very weak coffee. "Anyway, the Oracle said you four men are the key to stopping _him_."

"Who is 'him'?" Cid IX asked hopping on a table and making himself comfy.

"_He_ is the one true evil in this world. Even more so then Hilary Duff. We try to avoid speaking his name because bad things seem to happen when it is spoken. _He_ has commited many crimes and killed many people, not to mention he jay-walks! _His_ name is... Ned Flanders," as soon as the name left Reno's lips, the mug Elena was holding, smashed.

"So...when do we go after him?" Cid X asked rubbing his bald head.

Tseng clasped his hands and smiled. "You must be going in...3...2...1, bye-bye!"

**Somewhere on the Streets of Springfield, Illinois...**

Cid VII then shot up, from his sleeping posistion on the cold side-walk. "The hell?! I thought we were just on a ship, what're we doing here?"

"It seems they must've put us to sleep and sent us here. This is where we'll probably find Ned Flanders," Cid VIII said as she glasses broke. "Great..."

"So, we'd better get this Ned Flanders guy, right? Well...what're we waiting for? I got to get back to my world, I run a kingdom!!" Cid IX said as he started his way down the street.

**Author's Notes: "Hey hey! Finished another chapter, sorry for the delay! The End is coming! But there will be extra chapters that are just for fun, like Karaoke Night. So stay tuned! Also, I hope to get another chapter in tomorrow, so look out!**


	4. Bible Thumper

**Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy at the moment, but I will soon! Pays Square-Enix lots of money, and ends up making the Final Fantasy Series come crashing down Heheh.**

**The Cids United**

**Springfield, Illionois...**

It was a bright, Sunday morning in Sprinfield, and the Cids were searching all night for Ned Flanders, but to no avail.

"This really sucks!" Cid X said with his mouth full of Cheese-Its. "This is worse than the time, I got ripped off for trying to get 2 months worth of oranges!"

Cid IX hopped over to Cid X and gave a sigh, "I know I'm gonna regret this but, what happened?"

"I thought you'd never ask! Well, back in my world, we were going on a long journey, and we weren't gonna have time to keep stopping for food, so I decided since the men needed alot of vitiman C, I should get 2 months supply of oranges. Well, I got to the store, but they were out of oranges, so the sales clerk said to buy some Orange Wood Cleaner. He said that since it was orange, and it smelled like oranges, that it should offer us the same amount of vitiman C an orange does. So I made my crew eat Orange Wood Cleaner for 2 months," Cid X said as everyone stared at him. "What?"

"That has got to be the dumbest thing anyone can ever do---Oof!" Cid VII said as he bumped into someone. "Watch where the hell you...are...going?"

There before them stood a man about 5' 9" with big glasses and he kinda looked like Hitler, only with brown hair. "Hidey-ho, neighborin-o!" he said with a big smile.

"Who the heck are you?" Cid VIII said as he waddled over.

"Why, my name's Ned Flanders. I just came back from church and noticed you guys. I've never seen you before, so you must be new to Springfield. If so then have these!" he said as he handed them each one Bible.

"You're Ned Flander's?! Are those people nuts? This guy's almost a Saint!" Cid IX said, eyes-widened.

Ned just laughed and pushed up his glasses. "If you have nowhere to stay, you can stay at my house, if you want.

The Cids looked at eachother and nodded. Each of them thought this would be the best way for them to find out why he needed to be stopped.

**At Ned's house...**

"Hi! I'm Rod, and this is Tod." one of the small children said as they ran to greet the Cids.

"I'm Cid, this is Cid, that's Cid, and that one over there is Cid," Cid X said as he introduced themselves.

The two boys gave the four men a confused look before they then nodded, and dragged them into the living room.

"This is where we pray to the Lord every day. We also sometimes eat here, only if we be good though," Tod said as he made the Cids sit down on the couch. "We never get company."

Cid VII then whispered to Cid X, "I wonder why?" they both then did their best to smother their laughter.

The two boys were then joined by their father. "Now that you are here, we must show you something..." Ned said as he pulled a lever on the wall and the Cids where flung off the couch, into a hole that emptied out in their cellar.

Two minutes later Ned and his two sons came to join them.

"We want to show you how to be a follower of the Lord," Ned said as he gave them an evil smile. "Converted shall you be!"

Cid VII then stood up and held his speat at point-blank. "I don't care about this hoorah-bullshit, I will not go down without a fight!" he yelled as he charged foreward, but was quickly shot back into the wall by an incrediable force. "The hell?!"

"You will never hope to bring me down! I am powered by the power of God, no one shall stop me---"

"Hey, Flanders. I was wondering if I could borrow so butter, Marge is making pork chops, and we need butter for the potatoes," a fat man with no hair said as he came down the stairs.

Ned's unusual force quickly dispursted, and Cid VIII quickly launched himself at him, knocking him to the ground and also knocking him unconcious.

"Okay, do you guys have any butter? By the way, I'm Homer," Homer said as he came towards them.

Cid VIII reached in his pocket and pulled out a fresh, whole stick of butter. "Here ya go!" Cid VIII said handing Homer the butter.

Homer then took it and said thanks, and quickly left. But before the Cids could get a hold of Ned, he shot up and blasted them back with a force of great magnitude.

"This is gonna be harder than I thought..." Cid IX said as he slowly got back onto his four feet.

"Wait, he's a pure Bible thumper, right? Then let's fight fire with fire! Hey Neddie! They say God is everything right? Then he must also be the crap I flush down the toilet everyday, right?" Cid VII said, giving Ned an evil grin.

"Take that back!!" Ned yelled as he was about to charge at Cid VII but was distracted by Cid X.

"Hey, your God just scares people into believing in him. What kind of savior is that?" Cid X said as Ned fell to his knees.'

"STOP!!! Just...please...stop. I'll do anything, just leave God outta this."

**A few hours later...**

"Thank-you Cids, we would have never got him, if it haven'y been for you!" Rude said as he sent Ned into jail. "If we need your help, we will be sure to get you."

"Please...don't," Cid VII said as he was getting ready to go back to his own time.

"I'm gonna miss you guys. I'm gonna make sure the crew on my airship remembers your names!" Cid X said as he smiled.

"You have an airship too? Wow, so do I!" Cid VIII said surprised.

Cid IX then jumped up and down excidedly. "What a small world! So do I!" Then all of them looked at Cid VII, waiting to see what he had to say.

"I have one too. Surprising huh?" Cid VII said will a small smirk plastered on his face.

They had waited about an hour and Dublya finally found them and took them back to the White House to get sent back to their own times.

"Well, I'm gonna miss you guys but it was fun while it lasted," Cid VII said crossing his arms over his chest.

"Me too! Even though you guys made fun of my weight, I still think of you guys as friends, I hope to meet you again, someday!" Cid VIII said as he ate a greasy burger from Burger King.

"Well, even though that is nearly impossiple, Cid VIII, I will also hope to encounter all of you someday also, just no time soon," Cid IX said as he looked at Cid X, waiting for what he had to say

"There's just one thing I would like to say to you all; Cheese-Its are good," Cid X said as he munched on a mouthful of Cheese-Its.

"Cids...it's time to go," Dublya said as he opened a portal in the wall. "Better hurry now."

They all got in front of the portal and jumped in it at the same time.

"Hold on to your drawers and don't piss in 'em!" Cid VII shouted as they jumped in...

**In Rocket Town...**

"Cid! Where have you been!" Shera yelled as she hugged him ferociously. They had been married for about 2 months now, and having her husband disappear only 2 months after the wedding gave her quite the scare.

"I was in a different world, and everything was weird, there were many people and they were all so...messed-up!" Cid VII said as he returned her hug and ran his hand down her back. "I missed you too."

**In Cids house...**

"CID!!!" Edea yelled as soon as he came in. "Look at you! Where ever you went you got fatter!" she yelled as she hit him over the head with a giant hammer.

"I...am sorry. I was taken by some guy named Dublya and he made me eat! He made me eat so much greasy food, I told him I was on a diet because of my wife and that I shouldn't go against her word, but then he forced me to eat it! It was soooo horrible!!!" Cid VIII cried out as he faken sobs and tears.

"Shut-up. I know you would have eaten the food willingly, so don't lie!!" Edea said as she it him with the hammer again.

**In Lindblum Castle...**

"My darling Hilda, how I missed thee!"

"Cid! Were you off chasing another yound woman?!" Hilda asked giving Cid a dirty look.

"O-of course not! I had to save another world!" he croaked as he told her the story of the other world he visted for awhile.

"Well, ask long as you didn't cheat on me, that's just fine and dandy."

**On Cid's Airship**

"Where the heck where you, Pops?!" Rikku said as she noticed him enter the bridge of his Airship.

"Nowhere, just off in what seemed like a different world..." Cid X said as he stared off into the big nowhere. 'Hope to see you guys again...' he thought as he once again ate some Cheese-Its.

**Author's Notes: Mwhahahaha! Now that's the end! But more fun chapters to come, they won't be long, they just have all stupid pointless stuff on it if you're gonna want to read it. Anyway, sorry to the reviewer who suggested I move my fanfic, but I didn't know there was a FF Cross-over section. Thanks for pointing that out .**


	5. Rehab

**Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy at the moment, but I will soon! Pays Square-Enix lots of money, and ends up making the Final Fantasy Series come crashing down Heheh.**

**The Cids United**

** Special Chapter: Rehab**

**Somewhere in a Rehap room...**

"It's okay to feel sad," the manager said as he sat down in the circle of chairs. "Now, you know why you're all here, now why don't we introduce ourselves? My name is Mr. Wadinheim, and I am your Rehap manager."

A man with a long red cape then stood up, he was wearing matching red underwear also. "H-h-hi...m-m-my name i-i-i-i-is...Superman...I-I-I'm here b-because I'm a-a-addicted t-o coc-cain..." he said as he twitched a bit.

"Nice to meet you Superman, don't be afraid to talk, we're not here to judge you," Mr. Wadinheim said with a small frown.

"B-b-but I d-do not m-mean t-to st-st-studder, it's bec-cause of the c-cocain," Super man replied as he sat back down.

"Oh! Uh...next?" Wadinheim said turning red from embarrassment.

An icy blue woman then stood up. "Good-evening, my name is Shiva, and I am here because I am addicted to ice cubes. My doctor, Dr. Garland said that having your skin color as blue is unatural and unhealthy, so he sent me here to cope with it."

She sat down and another one rose up. A man with green hair and silver skin stood up. "I am Captain Planet and I was sent here because of my strange obsession with my Planeteers. They told lawyers that everytime I see them I spend 'private time' with them, but truth be told, it's only every Friday I do that."

Cid VII then looked at them. "I do not need to be here! I am not addicted to cigarettes, I can stop whenever I want to, I just don't want to!!!" he shouted as he stood up.

Mr. Wadinheim then smiled and said, "aww...someone is in denial."

"&$#% you man!" Cid VII yelled as he sat down. "&#$%#$%$#&&&#$%$%#!!%$#$$%&%$#$%&%$#$%&!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Damn bastards..." he said calming himself, also liting a cigarette.

A big, black man stood up and gave a sigh. "My name's Barret an' I'm here 'cause I'm a black man who wishes he was white so he could act black. That is all," he then sat down.

"Thank-you Mr. Wallace, who's next?" Mr. Wadinheim replied. No one stood up and he looked around. "That's all? Okay, let's start the healing."

Before anyone could reply, Nazis busted in and aimed their assualt rifles at Mr. Wadinheim.

"Come with us you Jew!" one of them yelled.

"Nazis?! Damn I thought I losted them years ago...You'll never take me alive, you here that?!!?!" Mr. Wadinheim screamed running out the door.

"Get the tranquilizers," another Nazi said as they all went after the Jewish Rehab manager.

"Thank-$#%&'n-God, he's gone..." Cid VII said as he lite another cigarette.

All the other people in the Rehab room nodded and started doing the stuff they weren't suppossed to do. Superman started to sniff his coccain, Shiva started to suck on some of the ice cubes from the cups that resided on the table, Captain Planet went into a closet... Anyway, Barret started praying he was white and they were all totally oblivious to the fact Mr. Wadinheim started to fly and beat up the Nazis with his laser-beam eyes.

**Author's Notes: First of the pointless chapters. More to come. (Note: These have really nothing to do with the story, so don't think they are connected, they are just stupid extras to keep you people amused.) Also, I am not trying to be racist in any of the statements above, so please don't take offense to them. Thank-you and I hope to update soon. :)**


	6. Fat Camp

**Disclaimer : I do not own Final Fantasy, although... someday I shall! (yeah, right)**

_Sorry for the lack of a fast update, but I have been busy with all my school-work. Advanced classes take up alot of time. Anyway, one more chapter after this, then it's the end. Well then... ON WITH THE SHOW!!! Also parts of this chapter are somedude named David's ideas_

**The Cids United**

"Cid VIII!" Cid IX yelled as they got ready to leave for a 'secret' place. "It's time to go, hurry up!!"

Cid VIII slowy came out of the hotel and got in the giant van with the 3 other Cids. "Where am I going anyway. You said I was going on vacation, and I have no clue where to," Cid VIII said as his eyes shifted over all the baggage in the back seats.

"Ya don't have to worry 'bout that. It's gonna be really good for ya, trust me," Cid VII said lighting a cigarette.

The car ride lasted for about 45 minutes and they finally turned off the highway onto a dirt road. Cid X looked out the window and saw a giant sign that read: "Camp Fatternubber".

The car pulled to a stop and a man came to the window of the van. "I am Tohmru the Gatekeeper! To pass, you must collect the 4 spheres of the Light Warriors from the city of Corneria..."

But before Tohmru could speak anymore, Cid VII interupted him, "yeah, yeah, skip to the point. 50 gil?"

Tohmru's eyes lit up, "done!!" he then opened the gate and let them pass.

"Welcome to Fat Camp, Cid VIII," Cid X said smiling evilly.

Cid VIII's eyes widened in horror as he looked out the window at the unforgiving toture. "OH GOD NO!!! IT'S THE TAR!"

"Only a little."

"THE HORRIBLE WORK!!!"

"Just a little picking with the pick ax."

"RICHARD SIMMONS!!!"

"Ahhhhhhh!!" The other Cids yelled as the van swerved.

"No scary things while I'm trying to drive!" Cid VII yelled as he stopped the car.

They all got out of the car and noticed something move in one of Cid VIII's bags. "The hell?" Cid X said as he unzipped the bag and someone fell out. "HOLY CRAP! What is a girl doing in one of your bags, Cid VIII?"

Cid VIII then looked down at his feet. "Well, ya see...heh heh...Iwasplanningoneatingher!" Cid VIII said so quick that no one understood it. He then said it slowly, "I was planning on eating her."

The girl got up and looked around. "Where am I?" she then looked at all the Cids. "Oh hello, my name's Ren. Hey, aren't you the guys from that game called Final Fantasy?" Ren questioned looking at them oddly.

But before anyone could answer the camp councilor interrupted them. "All right you obease pieces of crap, get down and give me 2315!" she yelled.

"Talk about a random number," Ren said smiling to Cid VIII.

"That's 2458 for you missy!"

"Wait a second he's the one who's obease!" Cid VII yelled pointing to Cid VIII.

The councilor looked at Cid VIII, "he looks pretty slim to me. If anything, he needs more meat on his bones!"

"WHA?!" Ren yelled as the councilor shot a glare at all of them.

"On the double fatties, on the double!"

**48 Hours later...**

"Ren, stop trying to stop trying to commit suicide with that clothes hanger, it won't work...." Cid IX said dully.

"MUST... PENETRATE.... HEART......" Ren said as she tried jabbing herself in the heart with a rusty clothes hanger.

"If you even get it to pierce you skin, you'll probably need a tetnus shot," Cid X said as he looked at Cid VII, who had what looked like a tear rolling down his cheek. "Cid VII, is that a tear?"

"Hell no! I'm choaking cause of all this clean air, they took my cigarettes away..."

"Hey! I got a plan to get us outta here!" Cid IX yelled happily. "Okay here's how it goes, Cid X, you have to seduce the councilor. Just make her drink a little beer, get her drunk, and them we can sneak out."

"But what about the guard towers and the machine guns...." Ren said dimly.

"True..." replied Cid IX

"And the gates...."

"Right..."

"And all the fat annoying kids who'll trail behind us and are too stupid to realize that they will get us caught!" Ren yelled dramatically

"ENOUGH!!!" Cid IX screamed at Ren. "I got some uniforms from the guards, we can use them...MWhahahaha!!!"

**15 minutes later...**

All four of them snuck out of their cabin and ran to the councilor's cabin and looked in through the window. Cid VIII was watching T.V. and eating condensed lard. "Stupid Raiders munch munch lost to the Texans munch munch Ha!"

They quickly ran away and ran and ran some more because Cid VIII spotted them.

"Guards, seize them!" he yelled as these people in armor chased them.

"We're not going to make it..."Cid VII said as he was about to stop but a giant truck swerved in front of him and stopped.

"Quickly, get in!" Ren yelled as she unlocked the doors.

They all jumped in and Cid asked, "what took you so damn long?"

"I took the liberty of warming it up," she stated proudly.

So they all drove off just in time because Richard Simmons woke up.

**Epilogue...**

Cid VII, after leaving the horrid fat camp got his cigarettes back.

Cid IX...well, a lovely princess kissed him and he turned back into and old man, and Hilda saw it, so she left him for Kuja.

Cid X got some cheese-its and ate some when he got back from Fat Camp.

Ren, after coming back from Fat Camp, found her true love at the age of 13, his name was Jack Skellington, they got married 3 days later, and lived happily ever after.

I guess the moral for this story is, fat people should live in fat camps.

**Author's Notes: Just in case you all wanted to know, Ren is not a made up character, but one of my best friends, and I told her I'd put her in the story, so here she is.**

**Next chapter will be Karaoke Night, please tell me in a review what charcter you want to see sing what, and I'll pick the best ones to put in that chapter!**


	7. Karaoke Night

**Disclaimer : I am not responsible for any loss of brain cells during this new chapter. If you want to sue me for making you stupider take it up on my lawyer, Ren. **

**Less Important Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy or The songs that'll be put in, in the next few moments. So go sue O.J. Simpson.**

**The Cids United**

**Chapter 7: Karaoke Night**

Hic "I feel so sad..." Cid VIII said as he downed his 15th stein of beer. "Edea kicked hic me outta the Garden and now I have no place to stay," he said as he sobbed loudly.

Cid VII rolled his eyes as Cid X patted Cid VIII on the back saying soft, soothing words, trying to calm the fat blob on the bar stool down.

"This is all because hic I'm fat and ugly," Cid VIII said wiping the stagnant tears off his chubby cheeks. "I've never been more miserable than tonight!"

"It's okay Cid VIII," Cid IX started. "You have much more redeeming qualities than being fatter than Fat Albert and uglier than sin."

Cid VIII then took his gaze off the floor and looked in Cid IX's direction. "Yeah? Well, what are they?" he inquired sadly.

Cid IX then coughed. "Well...uh...I'm sure you have them, but I can't think of any," he said turning away.

Cid VII then slammed his fists on the table. "Shut the $#& up already, you dumb $#&inator! You know what? Why don't you go sing away all your troubles and spare us! So the moral of my statement is: 'Cry me a river, build a bridge, and GET OVER IT' dammit!"

Cid VIII's head then shot up. "Yeah! I think I'll go do karaoke!" Cid VIII happily said as he bounced off the bar stool and ran up on a stage, after he put a few gil coins in a machine. "Alright! All you people out there, get ready, cause I'm about to light up this night! WOOH!"

Mist began to pour over the stage and pop music began to play...

Cid VIII then let out a sigh and then started to "sing" in a high, screechy voice....

"Let's go back

Back to the beginning

Back to when the earth, the sun, the stars all aligned

'Cause perfect didn't feel so perfect

Trying to fit a square into a circle

Was no lie

I defy---" Cid VIII was then cut off as a blonde haired girl with too much make-up on, busted in to the bar.

"Stop right there, Fatty!" she said as she walked up on stage. "No fatass like you is allowed to dirty the beautiful, wonderful, clean, popular, glorious, delicious, attractive, popular, worth lots of money, name of the GREAT HILARY DUFF!!!" she yelled as she spat his shoes.

"F-F-Fatty? First you were a Britany Spears wanna-be, now your an Edea wanna-be? YOU BITCH!" Cid VIII yelled back at her.

Cid VII then stood up. "Hey, wait a minute...didn't we put you away in the slammer?" he asked as she looked his way.

"Oh yeah," she said obliviously as she turned in to pink smoke.

The bouncer of the bar then came over and captured the colored smoke into a jar and then sealed it. He held it up at eye-height and then yelled: " no ID? No card? No bar time for you!" he then threw the jar out of the bar.

A 'woman' in revealing and tight clothes stepped onto the stage. "Hi everyone!!!" she said in a high preppy voice while smiling.

Cid X then looked up. "Oh God no. TAKE COVER!" he yelled as he dived over the bar counter.

"My name is, like, Yuna, and I'm going to give you all the honor of hearing me sing! Yay! I'm not going to sing it all, just a little part, so I don't blow your minds away too much with my perfect voice. Also remember, we can do anything if we work together!"

She then picked up the microphone and soft pop music started and then it quickly swelled.

"'Cause 1000 words called out through the ages---" Just then thunder started and it started to rain inside the bar, and the microphone began to malfunction. It then had an electrical surge and zapped Yuna's whole, and she caught fire and burnt to a justly ash.

A janitor, who was wearing a shirt that read: "Eat at Joes", then came up on stage and swept the ashes off the stage.

It was now time for the next person to sing karaoke. A short man who looked like a woman came on to the stage. He wore a purple thong, and really loose fitting clothes that barely covered up his body. "Okay Ladies and Gents, now I'm going to sing a song from not to long ago," he said slyly with a mischievious smile on his face.

"I'm going out tonight -- I'm feelin' alright

Gonna let it all hang out

Wanna make some noise -- really raise my voice

Yeah, I wanna scream and shout

No inhibitions -- make no conditions

Get a little out of line

I ain't gonna act politically correct

I only wanna have a good time

The best thing about being a woman

Is the prerogative to have a little fun and...

Oh, oh, oh, go totally crazy -- forget I'm a lady

Men's shirts -- short skirts

Oh, oh, oh, really go wild -- yeah, doin' it in style

Oh, Oh, Oh, get in the action -- feel the attraction

Color my hair -- do what I dare

Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free -- yeah, to feel the way I feel

Man! I feel like a woman!" he sang as people started to get tired of him so they started to throw some of the beer bottles at "him" so he'd shut up. He got hit with one in the middle of his forehead, and fell over immediately.

He then began to say weird things that 'almost' made people feel sorry for him. "No more Mommy, you beat me enough. See, I'm in the corner being good! No more make-up, no more getting kicked, no more being molested by the men you bring home at night!" he cried as secruity escorted him off the stage.

A few moments later a tall man at about 6 feet came in. He had long silver hair and a pink dress on.

Cid VII saw the man and started to choke on the cigarette he had been smoking. "That's Sephiroth! I new it! He isn't strait! Now Red XIII owes me 200,000 gil. Ha ha ha choke choke throat burning choke some more"

Sephiroth then picked up the microphone and took in a deep breath,

"I feel pretty Oh so pretty

I feel pretty and witty and gay

And I pity Any girl who isn't me today

I feel charming Oh so charming

It's alarming how charming I feel

And so pretty That I hardly can believe I'm real

See the pretty girl in that mirror there?

Who can that attractive girl be?

Such a pretty face

Such a pretty dress

Such a pretty smile

Such a pretty me!" he sang right as a woman in a towel came through the bar doors. She had long chestnut hair and bright emerald-green eyes.

"I knew you took my dress, you bastard! Give it back you, Mother$#&er!" She yelled as everyone looked at her.

Sephiroth then jumped off the stage and ran out the bar screaming: "if you want it back, you'll have to catch me first, heh heh heh!"

Everyone in the bar looked confused but then just brushed it off and waited for the next person to get on stage and make a fool of themselves.

Another man came up, but this one was shorter than the last and had spikey blonde hair. "Hi everyone, my name's Cloud, and I'm going to be singing and that is probably as old as the game I came from is. Anyway, this song is from the Spice Girls.

Forgets most of the words to the beginning and just sings random words like la la la

If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends,

Make it last forever friendship never ends,

If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give,

Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is. forgets the rest and just sings more random stuff throughout the whole song, while making up his own lyrics as he goes on.

"Well, that was my song, and it was dedicated to my girlfriend, who is not Tifa, Rinoa!" he yelled as he pulled a woman with a pale complextion and black hair out of nowhere and to his side. "My sweet, sweet, Rinoa," he said as he hugged her.

"Hey, Cloud, why are you wearing the dress I wore to this one dance in the game I came from? And when did you become my boyfriend? My real boyfriend is going to use his Lionheart on your ass," she said as a man with short dark brown hair busted in.

"Strife! I may have teamed up with you in the cheap game Kingdom Hearts that Disney made look bad with the goody-goody Disney characters, but that doesn't mean I have to share my girlfriend with you!" he yelled as he took out his gunblade. "I'm going to kick your ass, you $#&ing bastard!"

Cloud then shrunk into a tiny version of himself and then hid in the corner. "No that's okay, you can keep Rinoa, she's too clueless for my tastes," he said as he turned back into his normal self and shoved Rinoa off the stage, and she landed in Squall's arms.

Cid IX then downed one of his beers. "Why is it that everyone on stage gets interupted by someone else?"

Cid X then sighed. "It's because we're being written by some stupid female who hasn't a clue on how to write anything, and has nothing better to do because she is blonde! coughs What a loser." cough

"Squally! Why don't we sing karaoke too?!" Rinoa squeeled with delight as Squall rolled his eyes.

"Whatever," he said dully.

When the couple got on stage, 4 people busted into the bar. "Hey Squall! We're gonna sing too!" the one with a brown hat yelled to him as he ran on stage followed by the 3 others.

"Hey, there's my Edea...what's she doing here?" Cid VIII said flatly as he watched her get up on stage.

Selphie was last to get on, and she shoved Rinoa off the stage. "You're not in this number, bitch."

Zell gave Selphie a quizical stare, but then just shrugged, and waited for the music to start.

The two females began to sing first.

"Fithos Lusec Wecos Vinosec"

There was a small part of music, then the males began to sing without the help of the female voices.

"Fithos Lusec Wecos Vinosec"

Then both the males and the females sang together.

"Fithos Lusec Wecos Vinosec"

The music then swelled and they began singing once again,

"Excitate vos e somno, liberi mei

Cunae sunt non

Excitate vos e somno, liberi fatali

Somnus est non.

Surgite

Inventite

Veni hortum veritatis

Horti verna veritatis"

Cid VIII then yelled to Edea. "Take it off!!! Take it off!!"

Edea glared at him as she kept singing.

"Ardente veritate

Urite mala mundi

Ardente veritate

Incendite tenebras mundi

Valete, liberi

Diebus fatalibus

Fithos Lusec Wecos Vinosec

Fithos Lusec Wecos Vinosec

Fithos Lusec Wecos Vinosec

Fithos Lusec Wecos Vinosec" The music then faded down, and then it was all quiet throughout the whole bar.

Then Cid VII broke the silence. "Now where the $#& did all those instruments come from? And what the hell were you guys singing?" he yelled as the five people got off stage.

"It's called Latin, dumb-ass," Squall said as they all exited the bar.

Cid VIII then broke the bar stool because of his weight and just fell asleep on the ground.

The bartender then came over to the Cids. "You guys don't have to go home, but you can't stay here."

Cid IX then looked at him weirdly. "Uh, we live right above this bar, so techinacally, we don't have to leave, this is already our home."

"Oh," was all the bartender said before going back to wiping the counters.

Cid X then got up. "Well, this night was uneventful, and boring," he said as the other two Cids nodded in agreement and left the bar and headed up to their apartment above the bar, leaving Cid VIII lying on the cold, hard floor.

**Author's Notes: Phew Finally, all finished! Sorry for the lack of an update but I will admit that I am lazy and I am sorry for that. Hope you all liked it, cause I know I didn't. Anyway, I will be starting a new fanfic soon, so I hope you will read it! Thanks to all of you who reviewed. I AM NOT WORTHY! bows down and worships the people who reviewed **

**Also, Ren doesn't know she's my lawyer, so lets keep this between me and you. pays whoevers reading 2 dollars, or whatever currency you go by**


	8. Behind the Villany

**Disclaimer: I have no ownage over Final Fantasy Characters or anyone I decide to throw in, I have claim over the lame ideas I have in here though. like the one how Sephiroth got where he is. . Enjoy.**

**The Cids United**

**Chapter 8: How The Villans Got Where They are Today**

"Hello, everyone! Welcome back to Vh2's 'Behind the Villany'. Last week we covered the evil monsters of Final Fantasy, but unfortunately a lot of them ate my crew, and I'm one of the only ones left. So we decided to try something less dangerous, actually it's more dangerous and it's only to boost ratings, but I don't see why we didn't pull a Final Fantasy X-2 and make everyone wear skimpy outfits," the host said shaking his head. "But anyway, tonight we'll be talking to the famous villans of Final Fantasy and asking them questions on how they got where they are and what they're doing now." He stopped for a moment for applause, but continued when he realized no one was paying attention anyway. "Hmph! Anyway, put your hands together for that Villan who dove a little too deep into the make-up: KEFKA!"

From backstage entered a man, I think, with a long red robe, red and yellow collar, blue pants, and black boots. The make-up he wore looked hidious on him, and seemed to be put on by a clown. Kefka had a few cheers and applause as he sat down next to the host, crossing his legs over another.

"Welcome today, Kefka, we're glad to have you here," the host said, struggling not to laugh. "I am Kyle Monopolymoney, the host of 'Behind the Villany'."

Kefka smiled slightly and looked away. "Alright, on with the questions, I don't have time to spare."

"Ahoho! What's the hurry? Got a lover back home? a job to get to? a cliff to fall off of?" Kyle inquired hastily and slightly rudely.

Kefka just sneered. "That's none of your business, Monopolymoney. Now do you want to know what made me turn to Villany or not?" Kefka demanded, hoping to get off this joke of a show as soon as possible.

Kyle nodded and waited for the answer from the lady-clown thing.

"It all started when I was little. My parents left me when I was little to join a circus as clowns," Kefka started, getting all emotional.

"Go figure," Kyle stated dully.

"It's rude to interupt!" Kefka glared daggers at the host, whom immediately froze in his seat. "Following that tragedy, I was given away as a slave in an auction to a person whom I couldn't tell if s/he was a man or woman. S/he got the bright idea to take me under his/her wing and teach me the art of putting on make-up and confusing people about my gender. I spent countless hours training to live up to my master's expectations, but before my master could teach me how to put on make-up successfully, s/he died," Kefka sobbed, hiding his face with a sleeve of his red robe.

Kefka calmed himself and took a deep breath. "I inherited all of him/her's money and decided to use it to put myself through World Domination School. When I tried to apply, they rejected me, saying that they dont allow 'freaks' into their school. After being rejected several more times, I promised that I would take over the world, or destroy it, without the help up going through a school! Bwhahahaa!" Kefka laughed maniacly, foaming at the mouth slightly.

"Oooookay...you can leave now, Keffie," Kyle stated as Kefka laughed all the way off stage. "Anyway, our next guest is probably the best guest we'll ever have on this network, and the most handsome too. Give it up for Sephiroth, ladies and gentlemen!"

The silver haired General strode from backstage to his seat cooly, earning loud cheers and applause from everyone in the audience. After the noise died down, about 20 minutes later, Kyle realized there were countless bras and panties laying all over the stage with phone numbers on them.

"Hey, Sephiroth, you don't mind it I--?" Kyle started, but was interupted by Sephiroth.

"Be my guest, I wouldn't call them anyway," Sephiroth stated as Kyle grabbed for the pile of bras and panties and shoved them all into a gym bag next to him.

"Ahem, now I'm sure we all know Sephiroth; the greatest villan that Final Fantasy has ever known. Not only strong, but handsome, too, ladies," he said as various women in the audience swooned. "Now, Seph- can I call you Seph?"

"No."

"Alright then, Sephiroth, we all know about your history with the Shinra and your seemingly insane personality, but I want to know what really drove you to burn down Nibelheim and murder those countless number of people."

Sephiroth was quiet for a few moments before he decided to answer. "Well, Mr. Monopolymoney, to tell you the truth it all started 7 years ago..."

Suddenly a bright light engulfed the entire stage, causing slight confusion.

"What the f- what's goin' on!" Kyle was heard yelling.

"Shut-up, asswipe. I'm having a flashback," Sephiroth answered coldly.

**Flashback**

_"Oh my gods! Look! I-it's Sephiroth!" someone shrieked as Sephiroth, Zack, and the other two ShinRa soldiers entered Nibelheim._

_"Hey, Sephiroth, me and Cloud are going to the Inn so we could get it on--- I mean to catch up on the sleep we missed on the journey here," Zack blushed as he and Cloud rushed off into the Inn before Sephiroth could even register what had just happened._

_"Hn, whatever," he mumbled as he walked on, surveying the town. To him, the town seemed quite nice. Much better than Midgar, at least. When he took a minor stop to view the well, he also noticed a large mansion down the cobblestone road, near the edge of the town._

_"General Sephiroth! Hi, hello, I'm Ren and the camera man is my husband Jack; we're local reporters. I was wondering if we could have a word?" the excited reporter asked._

_To Sephiroth, the female reporter seemed to have overdosed on happy pills or something. "Yeah, sure," he replied._

_"Alrighty, SCORE! Heh, sorry. Anyway, what brings the Great General Sephiroth to the small town of Nibelheim?" Ren asked, now serious._

_"Offical ShinRa business. I was stationed here along with a few others to check out the reactor in the Nibel Mountains, and report any malfunctions there may be back to Midgar and to Professor Hojo." He detested even thinking about that man's name, let alone saying it._

_"There's nothing wrong with the reactor, is there?" Jack asked, worried about the welfare of the town and its citizens._

_"At the moment, we're not sure. Probably not, but that's what we're here for, to make sure nothing IS wrong," he answered back._

_Thankfully the interview was finally coming to a close; much to Sephiroth's delite._

_"Okie, last question, Sephy: What would you do for a Klondike Bar?"_

_Sephiroth thought for a moment. He looked around at the town and smiled wickedly. "Hmmmmm..."_

**End Flashback**

"And that's how I came to burn Nibelheim," Sephiroth answered.

Kyle was looking at him wide-eyed. "ALL FOR A KLONDIKE BAR?"

"Hey," Sephiroth said coldy as he unsheathed the Masamune, "don't dis the Klondike Bar, it was good."

"Uheheheh, I wasn't insulting it. I...uh... I love Klondike Bars!" Kyle replied, sweating from his encounter with death.

"Good," Sephiroth sat back down in his chair, but he continued to glare at Kyle.

"Heh, anyway, before we let you go we have a last question. What are you doing now?"

Sephiroth was quiet for a few moments. Kyle couldn't tell if he was ignoring the question or thinking. "I work at Burger King, and work as a part-time male stripper to help pay for the bills."

Kyle's jaw dropped. "The Great Sephiroth works at Burger King?" he couldn't contain his laughter and he practically fell on the floor from laughing too much.

Sephiroth got up and kicked him off the stage, as he exitted the building.

When Kyle's laughter died down, he crawled back onto the stage and introduced the next guest. "And because I was afraid to invite the real villan of Final Fantasy VIII, I settled for inviting Cid!"

The short, fat, man was greeted with no applause as he rolled onto the stage and into the seat the other two men had already been in.

"Welcome, Cid! Now as I had asked before, why did you become a villan?" Kyle asked, trying to sound intrested.

"Villan? What are YOU talking about? I was a good guy!" Cid exclaimed, trying to figure out if this was a joke.

"Of course you were a villan! You were a villan to everyone around you because you would always empty the refrigirator and leave everyone else to starve!" Kyle yelled back at him. "Anyone would be crazy if they didn't consider you a villan."

Cid narrowed his eyes. "I'll have you know, I saved the world all by myself. If it wasn't for me, Hilary Duff would've taken over the world!"

Kyle rolled his eyes. "You didn't save the world alone, the other Cids helped too, ya know. And they probably considered you a threat. A threat to their food supplies!"

"I don't need this kind of abuse. Your producer isn't paying me enough," Cid growled as he tried to get up from the chair. "Oh butter biscuits! I'm stuck!" It was true, Cid's fat body was now practically one with the chair. It was a sad sight, indeed.

"Ha! Now you have not choice but to answer my questions! Now, why did you become a villan?" Kyle asked again.

"You want to know! FINE! It was all Edea's fault! After she left me, I began to eat. The food was so good, that I couldn't stop! The food was everywhere and everyone. I knew after I started I wouldn't be able to stop. I then started to find dealers. Dealers of the finest food in the world. I paid hefty prices, but it was well worth it! When people started to eat my food, I needed to seek revenge. So I began to eat their food, leaving them starved!" Cid finally cracked, finally revealing his true ways.

Kyle nodded. Even though Cid just dropped a bombshell, the ratings were still dropping. Now if it was Sephiroth who revealed a secret like that, ratings would've skyrocketed.

"I don't care what you're doing now, so, Security, take him away," he said as Cid, and the chair, were removed from the view of the camera. "Moving on, our next guest is like Kefka, a cross-dresser, but not as ugly. Please welcome, Kuja!"

Applause broke out through the audience, though they weren't really enthusiastic. "Ah, welcome, Kuja. I'm very happy to see you," Kyle said as he shook Kuja's hand.

"Glad to be here," Kuja replied, though he didn't seem happy at all to be here.

"Well, let's not waste anytime. How did you end up getting involved into villany?"

"Simple: I'm angry at the world," Kuja replied in monotone.

"Why are you angry at the world?" Kyle asked curiously.

Kuja didn't expect this question. "W-well, because."

"Ahohoho! Seems we have something Kuja doesn't want to reveal! C'mon, Kuja, we're not here to judge you!"

Kuja narrowed his eyes, he knew Kyle was lying. "Fine, I was rejected as a Fashion Designer."

For once, Kyle didn't laugh. "I see," Kyle said sadly. "I can relate."

"Y-you can?" Kuja asked, suprised.

"Yes, I, too, wanted to be a Fashion Designer, but was also rejected. They said I lacked the imagination," Kyle replied.

"My rejection was because they said my clothes just weren't what people were intrested it. So now I want to destroy this world, while at the same time wear all the clothes I made from my own design!" Kuja exclaimed proudly.

Kyle was almost in tears. "What a beautiful dream! I support you all the way Kuja! If you don't mind me asking, where can I purchase some of your clothes?"

Kuja's eyes then sparkled with stars. "R-really? Do you, I don't know, wanna be one of my followers?" he said blushing, while rubbing the front of his shoe on the floor in a shy fashion.

Kyle jumped out of his chair and hugged Kuja. "You really mean it! I do!" Kyle said as he hugged Kuja even more.

"Okie, I'll wait for you when the show's over!" Kuja said as he hugged Kyle back and left the stage.

Much to everyone's suprise ratings shot up from that scene.

Kyle was still in tears when he called Seymour out to the stage. "Hello, Seymour, we're running out of time, so what made you go evil?"

Seymour smirked and laughed his creppy little laugh. "I want to become Sin and destroy everything."

"Uh-huh, but why?" Kyle asked, not even paying attention to Seymour.

"You would want to destory the world too if your last name was 'Asses'. Seymour Asses, it's like that horrible thing people say when they prank call bars. 'Yeah, is Seymour there? Seymour Asses?' You don't realize how much mockery I went through all my life!" Seymour barked as everyone began cracking up from laughter. "SHUT UP!"

"Your name is Seymour Asses? Hahahahaha, what a gay name," Kyle replied. "Anyway, back to the questions. What are you doing now?"

"Well, I work as a coat rack. My hair can hold up anything! Which reminds me, I have to get back to work, I don't want people putting their coats on the ground," Seymour answered as he left the building as fast as he could

"Okaaaaay... our last guest for the night is Shuyin!" Kyle said as he looked at his watch, the show as going to end soon, he was going to have to make this quick.

As soon as Shuyin sat down, Kyle began talking as fast as he could.

"Why are you a villan?"

"Because they took my dear, precious, and lover away from-"

"Fascinating. Now what are you doing presently?"

"You didn't let me answer the last one, but currently I work as a soccer player for-"

"Oh how exciting, show's over, you can go now. Bye bye!" Kyle said as he shoved Shuyin out the stage doors. "Okay, thnaks for watching everyone. Tune in next week for 'Behind the Villany- George W. Bush'! Have a wonderful night. Now time for me and Kuja to get started on being friends, and maybe something more later on!" Kyle blushed as he, too, left the stage.

****

**Author's Notes: "HOLY DIVER, BATMAN! Star added another chapter!" Heheheh, sorry I couldn't resist. Yeah, I wanted this to go up as my last chapter. It was on my mind forever, but I never got around to it. Hope you like this new chapter!**

**Also, Ren made another appearance, along with her husband Jack Skellington! w00t!**


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